Negativity: The root to many problems.

Negativity is something I’ve always struggled with, and I’ve come to find it’s one of the biggest things to hold me back in life. It’s also the root to many issues.

Such as self consciousness, from speaking so negativity about myself to myself. Lack of confidence, I’ve always aimed low because I told myself I wasn’t capable of anything great. Ungratefulness, by being unsatisfied with where I am in life and what I have.

Let’s start with one of the big ones. Ungratefulness… I’ll be honest with you all, ungratefulness is something I struggle with when things aren’t going my way. I tend to pile all my eggs into one basket and feel stressed out and ungrateful when certain circumstances present themselves. But it’s a new year, and I’m determined to change my out look on life. It’s never too late to start being more grateful.

So try this with me this year:

Whenever you’re stressed out with your kids, and you catch yourself saying “They’re driving me crazy!” Stop. And remind yourself what an amazing blessing it is to have them.

Whenever they ask for a snack for the millionth time, instead of being exasperated. Stop. And be thankful that you have food to feed their growing bodies.

When they ask the same question for the millionth time… Be grateful that they care so much to hear what you have to say. Because someday, they may not.

I’m not saying these things to make you feel like a bad parent, trust me. These are things I struggle with constantly.

I get frustrated and ungrateful for more than just my kids… My house for instance. When it doesn’t stay clean, or because it is dark and old, or not being able to afford all the things I want for it. The list goes on… But lately I’ve been stopping myself. This house was literally an answered prayer. We weren’t even supposed to get this house. It would have been impossible for us to even get this house without God’s hand in it.

And while some aspects of it may be frustrating, it’s a safe, beautiful place for our babies to run, learn, and grow. It has an amazing backyard where they can play and imagine all sorts of things.

I can become ungrateful when I don’t have spending money to buy things I don’t necessarily need. And admitting that to whoever decides to read this is really hard. But if your bills are paid, your cupboards and fridge are stocked, and your kids are clothed. What more do you need?

And I know it’s hard to get out of the ungrateful rut, trust me. I’m not even fully out of it, I have days where I climb back into it and complain to myself all day long about certain things. But keep in mind, you’re rewiring your brain. You have to teach it a new way of thinking, and going from a pessimist to an optimist doesn’t happen overnight. But you definitely can change it.

I honestly feel like gratefulness goes in hand with being an optimist. Being ungrateful goes deeper than just… Being ungrateful. It’s being negative.

I used to say I was a realist, and in many ways I suppose I still am. But I realized that being a realist was just a nicer way to say I am a pessimist. Optimism feels so much better. And I’m not talking about being unrealistically optomostic. But I’ve been limiting myself for so long with being negative, ungrateful, and a pessimist.

I stunted myself from reaching my dreams for years, because I was so pessimistic. I told myself I’d never be able to reach certain aspirations. I never even set goals, because I told myself I didn’t have the ability to accomplish them. I didn’t think I was good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, outgoing enough, unique enough… And so on and so forth. The most negative person in my life has been myself. But I’m changing that. Starting now.

I’m learning to pay myself compliments, which in turn builds self confidence. I’m learning to calm down when I’m stressed with my kids and thank God for them and that they’re healthy and safe, which dissolves my frustrations pretty quickly.

I’m learning to be grateful for where I’ve been placed in life. Grateful for the things given to me secondhand that I’ve taken for granted. I’m even learning to be grateful for my past, and for every struggle that I’ve gone through.

I’m learning positivity, and it’s hard. You have to retrain your brain.

Thankfully I have my husband to help keep me accountable. He gently will point out when I’m being negative, and honestly it’s helpful. It helps me to look for the silver lining in whatever situation is currently bringing me down.

I don’t have it all figured out, but I’ve already been seeing the benefits of being more positive show in my life.

I’ve gained more confidence from it, more joy, more happiness, more peace, more patience, to name a few. And I’ve only just begun. I can’t wait to transform my life, and live up to my full potential. To achieve goals I set for myself. To be excited for what God sets before me. Changing your mindset will change your life.

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Dear younger me…

Dear younger me,

I just wanted to let you know that everything turns out alright…

All the hurt and brokeness you feel will get easier. Some of it will heal completely and go away, while other things you might not get figured out for a long time. I’m still working on it.

But I wanted to let you know that you’ll find a man who really does love you, cherish you, and supports you. And he’ll tell you those things because he means it, not because he wants something from you.

You’ll find out that what you thought was love, was nothing but a lie and abuse. And you’ll be shocked when you feel what real love is.

You’ll be afraid to share your thoughts for a long time, gaslighting can do that to you. But I promise eventually you’ll learn how to communicate.

Also, God isn’t mad at you for the things that happened, and especially not for the things you didn’t want to happen. He actually loves you, even when you feel alone. You’ll realize that someday.

Everything won’t be perfect in the future, you’ll have your good days and your bad days. There will be memories you’d rather forget and you’ll feel overwhelmed with how to deal with them. You’ll feel crazy somedays, and wonder if you need to talk about it or keep it to yourself. But even though I haven’t figured that part out yet, I know with God’s help I will. Just know, that you can heal from anything. Even if it seems impossible.

You’ll get married to an amazing man and have those amazing kids you always dreamed about. You probably won’t use any of the names you thought you liked though… but the ones you do choose have special meanings and they fit the kids perfectly.

Also, not to disappoint. But when you hit your 20’s, you won’t look as grown up as you currently picture in your head. Honestly, you won’t even grow that much taller, and you’ll actually have braces that make you look about the same age you are now… but they’ll eventually come off. (Or so they tell me.)

Younger me,

You will have a lot of hurt and scars, I do even where I am now. But in the grand scheme of things not that much time has passed and you’re doing pretty well considering.

You’re also going to learn to find your voice, and you’re not going to be afraid to share. You’ll grow stronger from it. It won’t fill you with dread and make you sick to your stomach when you talk about it. You’ll actually not really feel anything… Well, that’s not completely true. You’ll feel peace and forgiveness. You’ll feel the absence of hate, anger, and bitterness.

You’ll have true friends who build you up, and love you. Instead of pick on your insecurities and weaknesses to tear you down to make themselves feel better.

All that doubt, anxiety, and self hate you feel will get better. It’s a learning process. So give yourself grace. You’ll even learn how to find the silver lining. Promise.

Your husband will help you heal and grow more than any person you’ve ever known. He’ll hold you when you cry, and encourage you when you feel like nothing. He’ll never tell you you’re emotional, dramatic or crazy. Even when you both know there’s some truth to those things. He’ll stick with you and love you through thick and thin. You’ll be blown away by the man you marry.

Dear younger me…

Like I said, you won’t have it all figured out. Honestly, you might not even have half of it figured out. But you’re going to learn your worth, and you’re going to have days where even you feel beautiful. You’re going to learn self confidence (yes, it’s healthy!) And you’re going to find your voice. You’re no longer going to be afraid. You’re going to work towards dreams and accomplish them when you thought you wouldn’t amount to anything.

You’re going to use self-doubt as a tool to push yourself past what you think you can do. And you’re going to be shocked to realize you can do way more than you always told yourself.

Your closest friends will always be your sisters and Mom, and as you get older those relationships will grow deeper and stronger than you ever thought possible. You’re going to find out being best friends with your mom and telling her all those things you were afraid to tell her, isn’t as scary as you thought. You’re going to realize she was never against you, and will always be there for you.

You’re also going to have a best friend who moves across the country for you (and your family) and you’re going to adopt her and it’s going to be a crazy adventure.

You’re going to grow closer with your sister in-law and brother. You’ll realize you remember past memories differently and you’ll laugh together as it draws you closer.

Dear younger me,

You’re going to make it. And you’re going to be happy. And you’re going to feel truly loved by your husband, God, and family. You’re going to feel beautiful, even without makeup on. So hang tight, it gets better. I promise!

Before you judge…

Guys, I’m going to be raw and real with you for a moment. Even though the vulnerability absolutely terrifies me.

Honestly, I’m sure a lot of you can relate with what I’m about to say. So here it goes…

I’ve had so much crap talked about me, by people over the internet who assume they know me and the whole story of certain situations they know nothing of, that it’s not even funny.

I’ve been unfriended by people I had thought my friends even though we’d never met, with no explanation. With no one ever reaching out to hear my side of things. And honestly, it’s gotten so old, and I’m so tired of it…

My sister, best friend and I have dealt with a lot of it together. We’ve had falling outs with friends, and those friends have taken other “friends” with them. Never once has a single person reached out to know our side of things.

We’ve all tried to be the bigger persons and not tell every mutual friend about the personal details of certain falling outs. But apparently it doesn’t seem to matter when you try to not gossip about things to everyone you know.

Because people only seem to care to hear one side of things, and they take that story and run with it. My sister and a (different) friend started a Facebook group a few years back, and I eventually helped admin it. But if I knew how nasty and hateful people could be over something as silly as an admin role in a Facebook group, I wouldn’t have taken the position.

I made a lot of relationships in that group, I met my best friend who ended up moving near me in that group. And while meeting her was totally worth it to my sister and I. It’s ridiculous the amount of negativity and hate came from a group of people, most of whom we’d never met.

I will never admin a group on facebook again, because in my experience. It isn’t worth the drama and slander that comes with it. But that’s beside the point…

The point I’m trying to make is, if you hear a story from a friend about another mutual friend. Before you decide to hop on the bashing train, and make a decision to cut that person out of your life and tell every other mutual friend you have with that person, every dirty little drama dripping detail you heard about them. Ask all parties involved in said drama, for their side of the story.

No, you don’t have to agree with them. No, you don’t have to believe them. No, you don’t even have to stay friends with them. But for the love of God, give them the benefit of the doubt before you decide to judge and hate them.

We’re in an age where you’re only seeing the smallest snippets of someone’s personality, and life. You cannot judge a person based off of what you see on social media, or what you hear second hand. If you’re really a true friend, all you have to do is ask to hear both sides of the story before making a choice whether or not to slander/hate/unfriend someone.

You also might be surpised to learn, that when something like a falling out of relationship goes down, not everyone runs to everyone they know to tell them the drama. I personally, hate drama. I rather keep it between me, and the person it concerns. But if someone were ever to reach out to me, and ask for my side of a situation. I’d gladly, and as honestly as I percieved it, tell my side of the story without bashing the other person to kingdom come.

What I’m trying to say is, if someone is talking bad about a mutual friend, before taking their side and assuming what they’re saying is 100% true and joining in on the bashing… talk to that mutual friend. Chances are you’re not getting the whole story. We’re all grownups here, so just ask. Instead of acting like we’re still in high school and too afraid to confront each other.

Communication is key to any relationship, and you might be surpised that someone isn’t as “evil” or as “b*tchy” as they’ve been portrayed to you by someone else’s words. Or you may find out that they were a crappy person after all, but at least if you ask you could make that judgment off of your own experiences. Not just what you’ve heard second hand.

We’re all people, we all have lives, we all have shortcomings. we all have feelings. I’ve personally gotten sucked in more times than I’d like to admit into gossip and hear say. And I can’t say that I’m proud of that. But I am working to change that, by not basing my opinion off of what one person says or jumping into the bashing game.

I’m not even saying don’t ever judge people, we’re given judgment as a tool in life to make good decisions. Just don’t be so quick to judge before you have the whole story.

Self Image.

Being open is something I’ve struggled with for a long time, it’s not from lack of want. But the vulnerability terrifies me. Self confidence isn’t something that comes easily to me, it’s something I’m having to learn. I’m confident in most of the decisions I make in life now, I’m just not always confident to share them out of fear of judgment and lack of acceptance. It’s honestly silly when I sit and think about it long enough… But at the same time, it’s not. Self image is more than just a picture on the wall that you look at sometimes, it shapes how you live your life.

My lack of confidence and my insecurities got me into some not so great situations as a teen. I was easily manipulated and found myself in abusive relationships, not just romantic ones but friendships as well.

I knew how to say “no”, but often times I was talked out or that no. Or made to feel bad for saying no. If I did try to open myself up to these people to explain my feelings, they were usually invalidated and made to seem like I was crazy or being dramatic. And sometimes my thoughts and feelings were used against me, which is part of the reason I have trouble with openness now.

I’m still learning, and uprooting these toxic seeds that were planted in me so many years ago. It’s been a longer process than I’d like to admit. I’ve come a long way, but I’m also not done. I’ve healed and grown a lot, but I’m still working through stuff and discovering issues I thought I dealt with or didn’t have.

I’m sharing all this to say… if you’re in a relationship or friendship where you’re made to feel less than. Leave it. It is toxic, and it isn’t true. They don’t love you, they don’t value you, they keep you around so they can make themselves feel better. They bring you down because of their own insecurities and you don’t have to put up with it anymore. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for, and those people are not going to grow you and make you better. They’re going to tell you lies to insure that you never rise above them, because they don’t want you to realize your worth and leave them all alone in their toxic puddle of filth.

Walking away from relationships can be scary, but it also can be the most freeing thing in the world. It can be the first step to healing, self revelation, and the first step to learning self love. Do it for yourself, better yourself. And give yourself time to heal. But also, remember to forgive. You won’t grow, heal, or feel free unless you forgive.

Bitterness can ruin your life more than any person, don’t let it take root.

Take a break

Hey guys, I know it’s been awhile since I made a blog post. I was going to share that I was going to take a step back from beauty blogging, as it was just too time consuming while trying to learn the new balance of being a mom of two… but, I forgot to ever post it. 🤦🏼‍♀️

So here I am, writing for the first time in who knows how long about mom stuff rather than makeup stuff.

Yesterday was the first time I’ve been out alone in about a year… I’ve been putting it off for awhile now, and would make up all the excuses as to why I couldn’t leave. Usually because of Elias with good reason, he takes “mama’s boy” to a whole new level. He’s a stage 5 clinger and cries whenever someone who isn’t me holds him. Even if it’s my husband.

I also felt guilt everytime I considered going out alone.

I felt selfish like I was leaving my husband and my kids out, or like I was abandoning them.

But as I sat there alone for the first time in a long time, I realized it was way more selfish of me to not take the time to take care of myself. How can I be the best mother and wife that I can be, if I’m stretched thin, tired out, short tempered, and overwhelmed all the time? How is that fair to my husband or kids?

I can’t pour into them from an empty cup.

Taking a break from the whining, complaining, arguing, constant neediness, and crying is ok. It will make you appreciate all the giggles, cuddles, smiles, kisses, hugs, and sweet moments so much more.

I had to realize that Elias will be ok, even if he doesn’t think so. He’s with his dad who loves him, and can care for him just as well as I can.

So take your break mama, give it to yourself. Go get some coffee by yourself, read a book, have Jesus time. Because chances are no one else is going to offer it to you without your asking.

You have to make time for your own sanity.