I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Just for self growth purposes, and I realized that I’ve really lost myself.
My husband has been doing a lot of studying on complacency, and how a lot of the time many relationship issues stem from it. And one of the things it points out about being complacent is not doing the things that you used to not being the person your significant other originally fell for. I’m not sure what I’m realizing is so much complacency, as it is I’ve been putting everything I used to do on hold. I’ve been living in overwhelming and crazy survival mode. But I’ve started to notice, that most of it is just my perception. The way I’m choosing to mentally deal with certain situations.
When my first son was born, I still did a lot of what I’ve always loved to do. I’d make my own tinctures, I cloth diapered, I enjoyed living as naturally as I could. I went foraging for wild plants, and was very much into herbalism. I loved reading, I loved journaling. And I’ve put that all aside to be a mom. I started doing less and less things that brought me joy, and it hasn’t been intentional. But I’ve really trying to work towards being the best mother and wife I can be, and I’m beginning to realize that sometimes doing things for yourself is the best way to be the best you.
I’m realizing there’s a difference between taking time for yourself and being selfish. And honestly, I can include my kids in a lot of the things I enjoy doing. I’ve let all these little hardships in life become this overwhelming monster that doesn’t let me do anything.
I let my day run me, and I need to start taking charge of it again. I need to start being way more intentional with my time. I need to start running my day. And instead of being relieved that the sun is going down and it’s bedtime again, I need to be sad that I’m out of time for the day to do the things that I love.
I’ve lost motivation, and creativity. And I’ve been too overwhelmed to even go look for it. I started to tell myself that I’m just not a creative person… But then k realized, I used to be. I used to draw, paint, play piano, write poems, read, listen to music, make things. I was the person who would go through Hobby Lobby and not buy a thing, because I knew I could make it. I’ve been waiting to get it back, but I’ve been doing nothing to get there. I’ve been sitting around waiting for my life to change, and for everything to finally get easier and brighter. And all I ever had to do to change that is change my view of things. To be the best mother and wife I can be, is to be me. And not stifle the things that made me who I am. So tomorrow, we’re going to paint, draw, and create. Even if it doesn’t turn out perfect, we’re creating life. 🌱